Sunday, April 25, 2010

Drive-by Nuns (and the Lizardman)

Okay, so it all started out with a simple joke. I drew some parallel between nuns and penguins. Just an innocent joke. I thought it was funny. I got a few e-mails from a group of angry nuns. I was thinking, what could they possibly do? They're nuns, right? So I posted another joke. A drunk guy walks out of a bar and sees a nun on the sidewalk near the bar. He walks up and punches her out cold. He looks down, points his finger at her, and says, "Not so tough now, are ya Batman?" Now THAT's funny. Or so I thought.

What began as an innocent joke turned into a life of terror for me. The first shot was a warning. I was on my way to Walmart. I'm walking through the parking lot, and there they were - drive-by nuns. It was terrifying! Being that they were in those nun garments - those ninja warriors of the cloth - I figured they surely couldn't outrun me. I ran through Walmart, and I was pretty sure I lost them. Sure enough, no trace of nuns anywhere. I headed back to my car, and I was fumbling for my keys. There they were, popped outta nowhere with brooms in hand. Ever get pelted by a group of nuns? It just ain't good. When I came to, I filed a report with the Federal Bureau of Investigations (or NBA for short), and apparently this is a group called Nuns With Guns. So I guess I'm lucky to be alive, but I wanted to make a retraction right here, officially: nuns are not penguins. Okay, I said it. Now please stop the beatings, ladies. I said my hail Mary's. No more nun jokes. Nun. I mean, none. I promise.

With that out of the way, they say truth is often stranger than fiction. They also say that fiction is even more strangerer. In the South (of course), there is a lot of talk going on about some sinister thing called the Lizardman. Not to be confused with that tatooed guy at Ozzfest. I first read about this creature in a very reliable magazine - The National Enquirer. Right by the Wolfbaby, there it was, an article about this Lizardman. Apparently some girl was pregnant with the Lizardman's baby. (I also had no idea that NASA was using jackelopes to pilot the space shuttles. Who knew? But that would be better for another blog.)

Well, if that wasn't trustworthy enough, another girl showed up on the Jerry Springer show making a similar claim. (If it's on TV, it's gotta be FACT, right?) So apparently, this is becoming a problem, and the NBA is powerless to do anything about it. I'm wondering how much back child support this guy owes, 'cause apparently this kind of thing has been going on for a while. (Or maybe he made a nun joke and was forced into hiding. Who knows?) But the ladies apparently love him.

In the meantime, being that it was on TV and all, I suspect that some Darwinist will see the episode and the Lizardman will be entered into school textbooks probably as the missing link. (Darwinists don't need proof or facts - they are way too smart for that.) And Lord knows, once something makes it into a textbook, it is absolute truth, even if it conflicts with scientific fact. This is America. We're WAY too smart to question stuff, especially when it's all laid out for us. Just sayin'. So if you happen to find your kid running home from school asking questions about the Lizardman, you heard it here first. Lock your doors. Wear your lizardman repellent. Be safe. And good night!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Surviving the Obamanation

A lot of people are complaining these days about Obama's policies. Granted, he is a horrible mathematician and "strategerist" (in the words of George W. Bush, an equally messed up whack job), but I think Americans are missing the bigger picture. This is an opportunity to become a more resourceful nation. A "more smarter" nation, right, GW?
Necessity is the mother of invention, they say. When I was younger (and stupid), I used to look for ways to save a little cash. Much like the thinking of the average liberal, I would think, "Who needs to spend money on condiments? Especially when you have your local Ronald McBurger joint right down the road". Now the drive-thru trick is obselete (ie. asking through the drive-thru without purchasing), so now you walk in and say something like, "Um. I need catsup. Uh, like 37 packs." (Works the same way with mustard.) Toilet paper? Wouldn't be right to take that. It costs them money. But when I was younger, I would go in and shove a toilet paper roll under my shirt. McBurger places generally have a team of experts (probably former FBI agents who were forced out of jobs due to budget cutbacks). So when walking out of the bathroom, and one of them looked at me strangely with this cylinder shaped object under my shirt, I would simply laugh and say, "Goiter. Thyroid deficiency. Wanna see?" They would wave me on. But these days, we know this to be bad news, so we don't do this kind of thing anymore, do we? Answer? No.

Recently, my car was getting broken into (probably due to bad karma from the McBurger years). I'm not saying I kept it in bad shape, but people would break in and actually leave money. One person even left a note that read: "Here's $20 to get you started on a car vac." After a while, you realize you need one of those Viper car alarms, but who has the money these days? What I do now is park, turn off the car, and strategically hit the horn once every second. Then I get out and yell, "Stupid car alarm!!" It seems to work. And free of charge! [Note: My original Viper alarm system was a rubber snake that I bought at Walmart, but they caught onto that trick pretty fast.]

Guys, looking for cheaper ways to meet women? One method is to get pulled and act like you're drunk (note: you have to make sure it is a female officer first). While you're sitting in jail, you look at the female arresting officer and whammo! A perfect opportunity to chat. [Note: this is becoming increasingly ineffective, as many modern female officers may also share your enthusiasm toward women. Fail!] Another method is stupid human tricks. You never know when that ambulance driver will be a woman, and now's your chance. Talk away!! (Or until you are sedated. That tends to happen a lot. Or at least in my case.)

Ever stand in a group, and you're the only one in the group without one of those "touch phones"? What I do is take out my flip phone and stand where they can't see the screen, and I'll just touch away. If someone says, "What are you doing?" I just turn where they can't see, and say, "Excuse me, please. This is private." And speaking of cell phones, let me settle the debate. It is not dangerous to text while driving. People just need to move their mailboxes in their yards another 3 feet, is all.

Well, in being all hi-tech, I decided to write this on my laptop in the car. I am currently at a rest stop. As I'm writing this tonight, I can see a guy standing by the bathroom, and he looks curiously like George Michael. I reeeally had to use the facilities... but I think I'll wait. To bring some encouragement, we only have 2 more years to deal with the Obamanation, and then we'll get another crazy whack job just like him. Things to look forward to. If I come up with some more money-saving tips, I'll try to pass those on as well. In the meantime, good night!!

[Surgeon general's warning: kids, don't try any of this at home. This guy is clearly out of his mind.]

Monday, April 12, 2010

My dream interview with Charles Darwin

My Dream Interview with Charles Darwin. It goes like this: me and Charles Darwin are sitting there, having lunch and conversing about stuff. (I know he's dead, but this is more like a dream of mine.) I ask him, "So Charley, I have a million questions for you. The first one is about what you said concerning the idea of 'purpose'. You said there was no purpose, and that we were merely an accident in nature. If that is the case, then our past is actually insignificant, really. With that in mind, why are you so dead set on exploring a past that has no meaning or worth to humanity?" He looks at me, scratches his head and says, "I dunno. Bored, I guess." I say, "Ah. Okay" That is fair. "So Charley, what about the Cambrian discovery, which shows man and prehistoric creatures being in the same layers of rock? And recent studies in actual science that show life kind of began rapidly appearing, versus mutation or billions of years of evolutionary processes?" He looks confused. "The Cambrian what?" I say, "The Cambrian 'explosion'. That's what science calls it. I have another question for you, just because I'm curious. You said that if we truly did come from unintelligent, natural forces, then there was no basis for higher morals or notions of good and evil or even a consciousness at all. So there is no consciousness? And if so, how do you know there is no consciousness, without having the consciousness to make that assumption?" He looks puzzled, "Umm.. it just is. And no, there is no good or evil." Our waitress walks up and brings us our meals, and she forgets the A-1 sauce. Charley asks her if she can bring some back, and she gives him a mean glare, before walking off. She is apparently irritated at us. Charley says, "Man, she's evil!" I look at him and say, "You just said there was no good or evil." He replies, "Well, okay she is evil, but nothing else is." Because this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, I ask him another question, "So Charley, Creation Scientists and true Atheists alike know that your the core of your theories don't really hold up under the microscope of scientific absolute. They actually fall apart. Why then, do they insist on teaching this stuff in schools as more of a fact?" He holds up his fingers like a gangster rapper and says, "I guess they got played, sucka." That was actually impressive. He did that well. For a second there, I thought he may have been Vanilla Ice.

Now allow me to pause for a second to address the out-moded school of Darwinist naturalism for a quick second. IF we are solely the product of random matter acting upon itself, and IF math doesn't work, and IF somehow all the data that piles against the close-mindedness of naturalism itself is rendered useless, and IF... etc., etc., then it is also true that consciousness does not exist (unless one subscribes to a religion called panpsychism - the idea that consciousness is in matter already, which is funny when I think of a rock or dirt or stars having consciousness. It's made out of the matter, right? That would be a belief with no scientific data to back it, and it would fall into a religion catagory. So Darwinist evolutionists, pick a lane. You are either religious people or not. Can't have it both ways). But IF consciousness does not exist, then there is no right and wrong, no good or evil (so Hitler was not evil? Say what?!?), no love or hate, or anything which exists outside of matter. There would also be no rational explanation in seeking out our origin, because we would, after all, be a mere 'fluke' of nature. And the very consciousness to be aware of this fact would not even exist. Yet the Darwinist is obsessed with his origins and seeking reason where he/she says there is none. Sounds like a mental illness of sorts. With that in mind, Darwinists, you are here-by dismissed from this conversation. Love ya. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Note: the scientific community relies solely on facts, not religious speculation, so you probably don't want to hide there either. My advice would be to erect a church or something, and just have regular meetings. Who knows? Maybe you can write it off on your taxes. ;)

To return to my previous conversation with Charles Darwin. So me and Charley are sitting there, and I have to let him know, "Did you know that the tooth from the supposed 'Tennessee man' was actually a pig's tooth? But in spite of it being found a fraud in later years, it won a court battle, and that was the leverage which allowed naturalism to be introduced into schools. Crazy, huh? But my last question, 'If monkeys evolved into modern man, why are there still monkeys?'" He scratched his head again and started to chuckle. "Monkeys are funny," he said. "I really like those Curious George books." I respond back, "Yeah, remember the one where he...?" We both start laughing. Monkeys are pretty funny, indeed.
[The end.]

Broken glasses

In the church community, often there is an out-moded way of thinking. Much like the Darwinist, it looks only on the surface and closes its mind to what is really going on. It results in a limited perspective. Broken glasses, if you will. To jump right in, in the bible, there are all sorts of prophesies that are not able to be questioned away. Many criticize Nostradamus for being too vague (ie. his predictions could've gone in a million different directions or meant a million different things). In contrast, the biblical prophesies were not only recorded by historians, they also came true. And they were very clear and precise. And yet the very religious people of the day who held these prophesies to be true were not able to accept them when the prophesies themselves came to pass. In those days, life was tough and hard. So these religious leaders were looking for a leader who fit into what their limited perspective. They were looking for a leader to come with a sword and change the world through violence and hard ways, because they were hard people. And very limited. They wore broken glasses.

What did they get? Jesus Christ. A leader who was gentle and meek and humble. The religious leaders did not fit any of these traits, and as a result, many of them could not accept him. They were looking for someone to confirm their self-righteousness, and instead this Jesus called them out on the floor about it. Jesus loved everybody. The lowest of the low. The weak, the blind, the hurting, the crippled, and the 'not good enough'. He didn't get along well with those pious religious leaders, though, that's for sure. He didn't fit into their 'boxes'. And they crucified Him. Jesus also apparently didn't like death so much. He came back. That probably didn't sit so well with the religious leaders either. And for those who didn't witness it, there were Jesus' disciples, who were willing to undergo the worst tortures and deaths imaginable rather than denounce His deity and what they witnessed with their own eyes. That's either devotion to the greatest lie (and who would under-go such torture for a lie? Who would be tortured and killed for a lie? Not me. Not you)... or one has to believe it was true.

But to return to the subject at hand, the religious people in Jesus' day had a limited perspective, and it affected the greater good. In much the same way, there is a perspective today that hinders many followers of Christ. Our perspective of what Jesus said when he spoke of the Kingdom of God. You see it all around. People in traffic, cutting off drivers and flipping 'half peace signs' at them, all while bearing their Jesus fish bumper stickers. People go to their churches with their big, gaudy feathered hats, all while looking down on the visitor who doesn't look like them. Broken glasses. Other church people are so obsessed with the 'doom' that government is going to wreak into their lives that they forget that they are a child of the God that made the universe. (I call these Fox news Christians. It's a cute nickname.) Others have an "us and them" attitude with non-believers, as if somehow (because of grace) we have become much greater than these other people. Jesus spoke strongly and adamantly against these kinds of attitudes in the Gospels.

When Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of God, people often see it as some far off place. A destination. The bible points to an afterlife, but Jesus clearly was referencing the Kingdom of God as a heart state that begins here and now. Right where we are. We are called to restore our world. To make it a place of hope. To make it a place where God Himself would want to dwell in. The problem, then, is a limited perspective. We often think of the Kingdom of God as something presently not connected with us. Something that will be, but is not here presently. In looking at it in this limited perspective, we are very similar to the Pharisees and religious leaders who tried to fit things into their perspective instead of God's perspective. In doing so, we'll always fall short of the mark. And not seeing the Kingdom of God as a heart state rather than a place far off often leaves us feeling disconnected and 'stuck here' in a fallen world, in a sense. Broken glasses. Limited perspective. The Kingdom of God is eternal, and it is alive and in us from the moment we received Christ in our lives. Eternity and all that we know about it begins now.

During His ministry, someone asked Him, "'Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?' Jesus replied:
'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself'." (Matthew 22:36-39 NIV) So that becomes our point of focus as believers. Not if so-and-so does such and such. Not if so-and-so looks like us or talks like us or acts like us. We are to love God and love people. Period. What does that love look like? I would suggest looking it up in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13. It kinda lays it out right there. Imagine what the world would look like if Christians stopped being comfortable and actually started to love God without condition. They would probably begin to want what He wants. Imagine if people started to really love and care about people like God does. It would change our world!


After His resurrection, Jesus gave his followers what is called the Great Commission: "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation." (Mark 16:15 NIV) It's easy to spot those who aren't doing this. Recently, there is this big ordeal with Westboro Baptist Church, who is clearly going against the very things Jesus spoke about. It's easy to criticize them for picketting funerals and schools and spreading a message of hate. They are wearing broken glasses. But to raise a question as believers, those called to be the light in a dark world: are we doing any better? Are we really? Are we following the Greatest Commandment? Are we serving God to our full capacity, or are we more in love with our comfort and our pleasures in life? Are we spreading the Good News? Or are we too obsessed with Fox news? These are things we need to ask ourselves and check ourselves on daily. And I pray that the Church - the body of Christ - will begin to embrace this. It starts with you, and it starts with me. God bless!!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Gel


Benzyl salicylate. Butylphenyl. Anybody know what that stuff is? Aqua/water. What is 'aqua water'? Maybe it's really wet water. Hm. Limonene. I probably wouldn't drink THAT on a hot summer day. Nor would I put Hexyl Cinnamal in my applesauce. Polyquaternium 16. Wonder if this is what pharmacists do. "Hm. Geraniol. Don't know what THAT is. Let's add that into this guy's prescription. Might be interesting." Might explain why people are so many pill-poppers are so sick all the time. Hm. Triethanolamine. Panthenol. Nope. I don't know what any of this stuff is. But I put it in my hair. Crazy. Who would've thought it? No, these aren't the ingredients in your McBurger. Not even. This is what goes into hair gel.

Ladies, make no mistake about it. Guys are funny about their hair. The rule used to be this: at age 13 you pick a hair style, and it basically never changes... well, except for the comb-over that some guys do when it starts falling out. I'll save that topic for another time. But yeah, that was pretty much it. And yet humidity doesn't seem to care that you are headed out on a first date with little Miss Amazingness. Humidity strikes without warning. "Poof! I'm here!! Muahahahahah!!" The silent killer of a good first impression. In past years, the occasional suggestion was made by women, of course, to 'maybe use a little gel'. Not me, I don't use 'foo foo' products. Not doing it. And one would look at my hair and go, "Yeah, obviously." It was just bad.

My ex-wife finally won that battle years ago, and I caved in and used gel for the first time. I didn't know what to do with it, and when my hair formed crazy shapes, I was acting like a woman who had been startled by a spider. "Get it off of me! Get it off!! Aaa!!" That was me. But I settled in, held to my guns, and soon hair gel became part of my everyday existence. These days, I am somewhat of a pro with my 'hair glue', as I sometimes call it. That, or 'hair goop'. But I can go outside in the middle of a heatwave. Chickens are falling out of the sky - already fried! (Hey, I know chickens don't fly. But this is MY story. Just play along.) The sun is a blistering 300ยบF, and my hair is in the same shape as before I walked outside. Hurricane? I can stand in the middle of a hurricane. Trees are being hurled though the air. Look out for that flying cow! My hair? Still in the same shape. So apparently women are onto something here. This hair gel stuff works! It is a part of my life, and I no longer have to question it.

In much the same way, I never saw myself ever becoming a 'man of faith'. Not me. Nuh uh. 'That is for weak-minded people', I would say. I hated the very idea of something that might prohibit my fun. My life. My happiness. My freedom of choice. And in hindsight, like my hair, my life was pretty much reflective of the fact that I was doing things my way. In a word: chaos. Everywhere. All around. Drama surrounded me. There was always drama. I ignored the 'surgeon general's warnings', and embarked on a life of MY design. Like everyone else does. But sadly, I didn't create myself, and that is a detail some kind of tend to forget. Mankind is an arrogant creature. At times he/she is a little more like an ant trying to control an elephant. Like a 3 year old child who has no need for his parents' supervision. Mankind just has to be 'in control'. C.S. Lewis (author of "The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe") wrote:

"The moment you have a self at all, there is the possibility of putting yourself first - wanting to be the center - wanting to be God, in fact." He goes onto say our ancestors had "the idea that they could 'be like gods' - could set up on their own as if they had created themselves - be their own masters - invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside of God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt as come nearly all that we call human history - money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery - the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy." (excerpt. CS Lewis 'Mere Christianity'. p.49)

Sadly, the story - man's story - continues on to this day. It is not 'everyone else'. It's you, and it's me. It's the person on the social site that continually posts drama. They are the first to point the finger at others who do the same, but in truth, it's them that keeps a hefty sack of drama with them at all times. It's the person whose drinking is getting out of hand, to the point they are risking a DUI. Or by roulette chance, possibly killing another in a drunk driving accident. It's the person who just isn't happy. They say they're happy, but not really. No matter what they are after (job, relationship, etc.), it just doesn't seem to fulfill. It's the girl who just knows if she finds Mr. Right, then she'll be happy - as if it's fair for him to carry the full burden of that responsibility on his shoulders alone. It's the greedy corporate guy, and it's the minimum wage or middle class person. It affects us all. It's the restless soul, wandering, looking, and never finding.

And somehow, if there is to be love, there has to be freewill. Without freewill, love is not possible. Without freewill and choice, there is only automation. So God gives us a choice. That is one thing He has to do in order for love to truly exist. What we do with that choice affects us in the afterlife, but also in the day to day. And sadly, so many people choose to push Him out of the scenareo and live for themselves. Their way. And what is wrong with the world continues on.

I think of the hair gel, that keeps things in order. It thwarts the 'chaos' in a sense. I also think about God's truth. It is so much like 'hair gel for the heart' and the soul itself. When the harshness of life comes, God's truth is sustained and solid and in place. For the non-believer, or the part-timer, it is something of a bother. "I'll look into it later." It is something that maybe they would just not rather think about. God sustains their next breath, and their response is, "Thanks for sustaining my life, God. But frankly, I'm too busy for you" or "Thanks, but I'd rather do things totally my way. Meanwhile, if you don't mind, how about keeping me alive? And I will occasionally get in trouble and need you to bail me out. But I'm way too busy for you." Choas. For the Christian, it is like, "Yeah, I know you are the God of miracles, the God of the impossible, but I would rather worry or control things my way." And chaos ensues.

As for me, I am rooting for the people God puts in my life - both my Christian brothers and sisters, and those who will one day come to the truth of God and to the love He has to offer. To my Christian friends, just a reminder that whatever it is that you are holding onto... whatever it is that is causing the chaos - just let it go. "Let go and let God'. (This serves to be a reminder to me as well.) And to my friends who are coming to this knowledge (or not yet), may you find this truth. To quote the band The Afters: "someday you'll come around". I'm rooting for all of you and myself, as we walk side by side... and come to make the world a place worthy of heaven to touch down on. God bless!!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

"An Internet Love Story"

Normally, Fridays pass so quickly, but today it seemed to last forever. Alas! Work was finally over!! I rushed home through the traffic with a sense of anticipation, for tonight was to be the big night. Oh yes!! She and I were going to meet in person! The big day! I pulled in the driveway, quickly paced up the steps, and hopped on my computer. I opened my e-mail, and there it was. The big invitation. I was so excited. Her name was Frenchie, and based on the picture and the info she sent me, she was perfect. Almost too perfect, I had thought. 5' 6, shapely figure, gorgeous dark brown eyes, and mysterious dark hair. It perfectly matched what I had described on the match site. From what she had said in our many conversations, she was: 1) a model, 2) a scientist, and 3) a radiologist. I didn't know how someone who was so brilliant and multi-talented came across my path, but here she was. She gave me directions to her summer cottage. I hopped in the shower and quickly headed her way.

In about 20 minutes, I was almost there. I followed the directions and turned down the bumpy dirt road until I noticed a trailer at the end. The address matched the address she had given me, so I walked on up. As I approached the door, there was a sign that read, "Come in, but don't steal anything." I tapped on the door and in I went.

As I entered the mobile home, I was taken by the decor. The way she managed to match the curtains with the stuffed moose head above the mantle was utterly amazing. Brilliant! "Hello?" I said. A voice came from down the hallway, "Make yourself at home!" Her voice was much deeper than I had imagined, and she had what sounded like an Amish or Danish accent. [Note: for those in question, the Amish are a group of people from up North, with funny suits and goatees. Kinda like grunge musicians at the MTV music awards. A Danish is something you eat, or something like that. With me so far? Okay.]

She finally made her way down the hall. She looked, uh, slightly different from the picture she had sent. Pretty much in every way. Her blonde hair looked nothing like the brunette picture she had sent me, but with those noticeable chin hairs she had, I knew she would do well working in any fine American cafeteria. Her unibrow drew immediate attention to her lovely green eyes. You just knew this would be that special girl you'd want to stand behind while in the mosh pit at a heavy metal concert. I wouldn't say she was cross-eyed, but when she cried (later that night), the tears rolled down her back. The doctors called her condition 'backtearia'. "By the way, my name is Olga," she said. Ah.

She had prepared an amazing dinner, complete with baked possum meatloaf covered with Corn Flakes. After dinner, we had a wonderful conversation about our passions and where we were heading in life. But it finally occured to me that she and I might not be meant for each other. After all, I wanted to pursue writing and psychology, and she wanted to wrestle alligators one day. So we knew it was not meant to be. Sadly, I turned to head down to my car, and I heard her say, "Wait!" I turned to face her. "Here. Meatloaf for the road," she said, handing me a Tupperware container covered in aluminum foil.

To this day, sometimes while watching Olympic gator-wrestling on C-span, my wondering thoughts will return to my beloved Olga. Or was that Frenchie? Who knows?

[Note: there were no animals harmed in the making of this story... unless you count the possum, but they aren't exactly the most gifted of God's creatures. And they're about as useless as scented toilet paper.]

[La fin.]


I wrote this back in the early 90's, after only a couple hours of sleep. I decided to repost it (revising very little of it) in hopes of sharing some humor. And because some people tend to personalize things or take it upon themselves to find a reason to NOT LAUGH, let me say, this was in no way intended to hurt anyone, nor is it directed at anyone. So just suck it up and laugh a little. ;)

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Landsharks, umpires, & other common fears

I was listening to some people talking back and forth about their sports teams. They seemed to be battling each other, which is odd behavior to me. Kinda like canned insanity, I suppose. I mean, I am no expert, but I can hold my own with a football bat just like the next guy. And then someone mentioned a topic that sent shivers down my spine. He mentioned that an umpire struck his friend out. He said it as though it was no big deal. I was amazed. They're real?! Vampires are scary enough. At my church, we once tried to incorporate a vampire ministry. We'd meet early in the morning, but when they would leave to go home - poof!! They turned to dust. I try to be sensitive to various types of people and cultures, but seriously, there is nothing worse than the smell of burnt vampire in the morning. It's just not good. After that, you don't even want doughnuts.

But these umpires. Why is our government not doing something about them? They are so happy to just gloss over it like it isn't real, and deep down, we KNOW the truth! How do you spot one? Just look for its UMP. Right there on its back. Apparently, these umpires like to congregate around Walmarts late at night, because I saw an elderly one in there this past Monday. It was bad enough before, when I had to call the exterminator to get rid of my land vampire problem. They were all over. I was trying to put up a fence. I'd drive a stake in the ground and you'd hear this screaming sound, "Oooo!!!" That is just annoying. $232 later, they said the yard was free of land vampires.

But yeah... so back to this topic, lest I get side-tracked. Umpires. Something needs to be done about this. The one at Walmart walked so slow and it was just weird. As he placed his super Polydent on the little conveyor, I began to wonder, "Where does one go to get vampire/umpire dentures made? And would there be an extra charge for the sharp fangs?" They were all over Florida when I lived there. The daywalker types too. But I thought I'd never get out of there. And while in line to check out, I noticed this article:
Once again... do the concerns of a tax-payer hold any weight? Landsharks running amuck and no one is doing a thing. How many victims are we gonna have before we take this stuff seriously? I just don't know, but I can say this: Watch your backs! And wear your water wings.

And to all the people in my life that I hold so dear, have a great week!