Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Landsharks, umpires, & other common fears

I was listening to some people talking back and forth about their sports teams. They seemed to be battling each other, which is odd behavior to me. Kinda like canned insanity, I suppose. I mean, I am no expert, but I can hold my own with a football bat just like the next guy. And then someone mentioned a topic that sent shivers down my spine. He mentioned that an umpire struck his friend out. He said it as though it was no big deal. I was amazed. They're real?! Vampires are scary enough. At my church, we once tried to incorporate a vampire ministry. We'd meet early in the morning, but when they would leave to go home - poof!! They turned to dust. I try to be sensitive to various types of people and cultures, but seriously, there is nothing worse than the smell of burnt vampire in the morning. It's just not good. After that, you don't even want doughnuts.

But these umpires. Why is our government not doing something about them? They are so happy to just gloss over it like it isn't real, and deep down, we KNOW the truth! How do you spot one? Just look for its UMP. Right there on its back. Apparently, these umpires like to congregate around Walmarts late at night, because I saw an elderly one in there this past Monday. It was bad enough before, when I had to call the exterminator to get rid of my land vampire problem. They were all over. I was trying to put up a fence. I'd drive a stake in the ground and you'd hear this screaming sound, "Oooo!!!" That is just annoying. $232 later, they said the yard was free of land vampires.

But yeah... so back to this topic, lest I get side-tracked. Umpires. Something needs to be done about this. The one at Walmart walked so slow and it was just weird. As he placed his super Polydent on the little conveyor, I began to wonder, "Where does one go to get vampire/umpire dentures made? And would there be an extra charge for the sharp fangs?" They were all over Florida when I lived there. The daywalker types too. But I thought I'd never get out of there. And while in line to check out, I noticed this article:
Once again... do the concerns of a tax-payer hold any weight? Landsharks running amuck and no one is doing a thing. How many victims are we gonna have before we take this stuff seriously? I just don't know, but I can say this: Watch your backs! And wear your water wings.

And to all the people in my life that I hold so dear, have a great week!


  1. joe, you are an absolute nut. i think you got hit with the "football bat" a few too many times as a kid. thanks for giving me a hearty laugh this afternoon! :0)

    Q: What is Dracula's position in baseball?
    A: Batboy

    sorry...couldn't resist. haha...