Sunday, April 25, 2010

Drive-by Nuns (and the Lizardman)

Okay, so it all started out with a simple joke. I drew some parallel between nuns and penguins. Just an innocent joke. I thought it was funny. I got a few e-mails from a group of angry nuns. I was thinking, what could they possibly do? They're nuns, right? So I posted another joke. A drunk guy walks out of a bar and sees a nun on the sidewalk near the bar. He walks up and punches her out cold. He looks down, points his finger at her, and says, "Not so tough now, are ya Batman?" Now THAT's funny. Or so I thought.

What began as an innocent joke turned into a life of terror for me. The first shot was a warning. I was on my way to Walmart. I'm walking through the parking lot, and there they were - drive-by nuns. It was terrifying! Being that they were in those nun garments - those ninja warriors of the cloth - I figured they surely couldn't outrun me. I ran through Walmart, and I was pretty sure I lost them. Sure enough, no trace of nuns anywhere. I headed back to my car, and I was fumbling for my keys. There they were, popped outta nowhere with brooms in hand. Ever get pelted by a group of nuns? It just ain't good. When I came to, I filed a report with the Federal Bureau of Investigations (or NBA for short), and apparently this is a group called Nuns With Guns. So I guess I'm lucky to be alive, but I wanted to make a retraction right here, officially: nuns are not penguins. Okay, I said it. Now please stop the beatings, ladies. I said my hail Mary's. No more nun jokes. Nun. I mean, none. I promise.

With that out of the way, they say truth is often stranger than fiction. They also say that fiction is even more strangerer. In the South (of course), there is a lot of talk going on about some sinister thing called the Lizardman. Not to be confused with that tatooed guy at Ozzfest. I first read about this creature in a very reliable magazine - The National Enquirer. Right by the Wolfbaby, there it was, an article about this Lizardman. Apparently some girl was pregnant with the Lizardman's baby. (I also had no idea that NASA was using jackelopes to pilot the space shuttles. Who knew? But that would be better for another blog.)

Well, if that wasn't trustworthy enough, another girl showed up on the Jerry Springer show making a similar claim. (If it's on TV, it's gotta be FACT, right?) So apparently, this is becoming a problem, and the NBA is powerless to do anything about it. I'm wondering how much back child support this guy owes, 'cause apparently this kind of thing has been going on for a while. (Or maybe he made a nun joke and was forced into hiding. Who knows?) But the ladies apparently love him.

In the meantime, being that it was on TV and all, I suspect that some Darwinist will see the episode and the Lizardman will be entered into school textbooks probably as the missing link. (Darwinists don't need proof or facts - they are way too smart for that.) And Lord knows, once something makes it into a textbook, it is absolute truth, even if it conflicts with scientific fact. This is America. We're WAY too smart to question stuff, especially when it's all laid out for us. Just sayin'. So if you happen to find your kid running home from school asking questions about the Lizardman, you heard it here first. Lock your doors. Wear your lizardman repellent. Be safe. And good night!!

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