Thursday, April 22, 2010

Surviving the Obamanation

A lot of people are complaining these days about Obama's policies. Granted, he is a horrible mathematician and "strategerist" (in the words of George W. Bush, an equally messed up whack job), but I think Americans are missing the bigger picture. This is an opportunity to become a more resourceful nation. A "more smarter" nation, right, GW?
Necessity is the mother of invention, they say. When I was younger (and stupid), I used to look for ways to save a little cash. Much like the thinking of the average liberal, I would think, "Who needs to spend money on condiments? Especially when you have your local Ronald McBurger joint right down the road". Now the drive-thru trick is obselete (ie. asking through the drive-thru without purchasing), so now you walk in and say something like, "Um. I need catsup. Uh, like 37 packs." (Works the same way with mustard.) Toilet paper? Wouldn't be right to take that. It costs them money. But when I was younger, I would go in and shove a toilet paper roll under my shirt. McBurger places generally have a team of experts (probably former FBI agents who were forced out of jobs due to budget cutbacks). So when walking out of the bathroom, and one of them looked at me strangely with this cylinder shaped object under my shirt, I would simply laugh and say, "Goiter. Thyroid deficiency. Wanna see?" They would wave me on. But these days, we know this to be bad news, so we don't do this kind of thing anymore, do we? Answer? No.

Recently, my car was getting broken into (probably due to bad karma from the McBurger years). I'm not saying I kept it in bad shape, but people would break in and actually leave money. One person even left a note that read: "Here's $20 to get you started on a car vac." After a while, you realize you need one of those Viper car alarms, but who has the money these days? What I do now is park, turn off the car, and strategically hit the horn once every second. Then I get out and yell, "Stupid car alarm!!" It seems to work. And free of charge! [Note: My original Viper alarm system was a rubber snake that I bought at Walmart, but they caught onto that trick pretty fast.]

Guys, looking for cheaper ways to meet women? One method is to get pulled and act like you're drunk (note: you have to make sure it is a female officer first). While you're sitting in jail, you look at the female arresting officer and whammo! A perfect opportunity to chat. [Note: this is becoming increasingly ineffective, as many modern female officers may also share your enthusiasm toward women. Fail!] Another method is stupid human tricks. You never know when that ambulance driver will be a woman, and now's your chance. Talk away!! (Or until you are sedated. That tends to happen a lot. Or at least in my case.)

Ever stand in a group, and you're the only one in the group without one of those "touch phones"? What I do is take out my flip phone and stand where they can't see the screen, and I'll just touch away. If someone says, "What are you doing?" I just turn where they can't see, and say, "Excuse me, please. This is private." And speaking of cell phones, let me settle the debate. It is not dangerous to text while driving. People just need to move their mailboxes in their yards another 3 feet, is all.

Well, in being all hi-tech, I decided to write this on my laptop in the car. I am currently at a rest stop. As I'm writing this tonight, I can see a guy standing by the bathroom, and he looks curiously like George Michael. I reeeally had to use the facilities... but I think I'll wait. To bring some encouragement, we only have 2 more years to deal with the Obamanation, and then we'll get another crazy whack job just like him. Things to look forward to. If I come up with some more money-saving tips, I'll try to pass those on as well. In the meantime, good night!!

[Surgeon general's warning: kids, don't try any of this at home. This guy is clearly out of his mind.]

No comments:

Post a Comment